I Knew You Were Trouble
by Anath Tsurugi
Summary: The typical response of most parents to hearing a crash was a jolt of panic, followed by a rush in the direction of the sound and a frantic search for its source. Crowley, however, was not most parents.


(A/N) So I'm not entirely certain what this is. All I really knew going into it was that I wanted to write kid fic for these ineffable idiots. The rest sort of just...grew out of that? *helpless shrug* Well, we'll see what you think.

**I Knew You Were Trouble**

The typical response of most parents to hearing a crash was a jolt of panic, followed by a rush in the direction of the sound and a frantic search for its source. Or, in the case of more jaded parents on their third or fourth child, it was more of a roll of the eyes and a pained but fond sigh, followed by a much more leisurely walk in the direction of the noise to see what mess now needed cleaning.

Crowley, however, was not most parents.

_Ah. There she is._

The sound of one of Aziraphale's practiced not-swears followed on the heels of the crash. Further words soon reached the demon from the direction of the kitchen.

"Dear, could you see to that? I can't get Jay to hold still."

"On it, Angel," he answered, already heading in the direction of the disturbance.

What he found was his baby daughter sitting amongst the ruins of one of his plants. She'd only recently gained confidence in her ability to crawl and the world was her oyster at any distance she could reach before either Crowley or Aziraphale noticed they couldn't spot her, which was a status they constantly had to be aware of following the Jasmine Cottage Incident. Just _how_ she'd gotten at the plant, he couldn't entirely guess, as her ability to miracle had proven somewhat...uneven. The twins weren't angels and they weren't demons. In truth, neither parent could pinpoint _exactly_ what their children were, so it was difficult to really say what their abilities were at any given time. Crowley shook his head, smirking as he went to pick up the little girl.

"Now, you know you ought not to be playing in here, Zira," he scolded her half-heartedly as he lifted her into his arms. The wispy red tufts of hair beginning to sprout from her head were from him, of course, but the rest of her was all his angel. After her birth, he had taken one look into her lovely storm-grey eyes and declared that her name was Zira. Aziraphale had conceded only under the condition that he was not going to have any arguments over the choice of her brother's name.

Now covered in potting soil, it looked like the bath Aziraphale had just given her was pointless. Bathing the pair generally seemed pointless to Crowley, but Aziraphale always insisted on it. Either way, it was a simple enough fix. A mere nod and the mess was gone, leaving Zira in her nice clean onesie, a single perfect green leaf clutched in her tiny fist. The baby squealed with delight as he peppered the top of her head with kisses.

The pot had appeared back in its place, undamaged, but sans one plant. And it had been such a good little plant, too, never struggling to grow or showing spots or any of it. That one had been going places. Ah, well. Perhaps it could serve as a lesson? Not for Zira, but for the plants, whom, he felt, had been entirely too unruly since the twins had been born. Cheeky little bleeders thought they could get away with murder now he was preoccupied with his new family?

Time to set the record straight.

Holding his infant daughter out in front of him like a ticking time bomb, Crowley began to walk around the space, showing her off to all the plants. "All of you...do you see what I have here?"

As he dandled the baby threateningly before the now trembling plants, Zira got in on the act by giggling madly and waving her hard-won leaf before her like some grizzly battle trophy.

"This...is an agent of chaos!" he declared in a grandiose voice. "And it pains me to have to tell you this, but she's an absolute _nutter!_ Completely mad! She'd just as soon tear a healthy plant to shreds as look at it. This little psycho-maid is my inquisitor, my emissary on Earth, and the only thing standing between you lot and her..._tender_ mercy...is _me_. Every last one of you would do well to remember that in future," he snarled at the last, allowing them all to witness Zira start to chew on the leaf before whisking her from the room.

The incident had apparently taken long enough for Aziraphale to finish Jay's bath, because the angel was tucking their son into the twins' portable cradle when Crowley carried Zira into the bedroom. Quickly changing the now well-chewed leaf for a teething ring before Aziraphale could see, he came to lay the baby girl at the opposite end of the cradle from her brother. Zira kicked her little legs in protest at being set down, but she was soon placated with kisses from both her parents.

"Were you terrorizing your plants again?" Aziraphale asked him with a put-upon side eye.

"They know what they did," Crowley sniffed. "If they were growing as they should, our darling unholy terror wouldn't have got at them. It's just as well they learn now where the power is."

"With a six-month-old who's already a little _too_ good at playing innocent?" the angel continued with a raised eyebrow.

"Yup," Crowley returned as he shifted his attention to Jay, leaning down into the cradle to nuzzle his nose against the baby boy's. Returning to his full height, he was rewarded with the full force of his son's honest-to-Satan _angelic_ smile. Were it not for the fact that the expression was tempered with Crowley's own serpent's eyes and tongue, he felt quite confident the boy would be able to drive nations to their knees with the strength of his smile alone. Unable to help his smile, he reached back into the cradle to ruffle Jay's barely dry blond curls.

"Now, dear heart, don't let your father fill your head with delusions of grandeur," Aziraphale gently chided their daughter before giving her a second goodnight kiss. "Plant kingdoms must be ruled over with benevolent wisdom, not wicked despotism."

"Hey, if my little apple blossom wants to reign supreme over a trembling kingdom of terrified flora, then that's exactly what's gonna happen, angel. No getting around it. It's just fact." Really, he would give his children the whole of creation on a silver platter if he could find one big enough; and Aziraphale must've picked up on that thought, because when Crowley looked over at him, he was gazing at him with one of his more misty-eyed smiles. "_What_, Angel?" he whinged, the petulant tone a match for _both_ their children at their bratty best.

"Nothing, beloved. Only realizing again how much I adore you."

Again! He was doing it _again!_ No matter how many times they'd professed their love for each other since the Apocalypse Not Now (though maybe not in so many words), Crowley still found himself bloody _blushing_ every time Aziraphale threw one of those at him. What purpose was even served by demons being _able_ to blush? Complete design flaw if you asked him. Or maybe he was just an anomaly? Maybe no other demons _could_ blush? He certainly hadn't spent enough time in the company of other demons to know one way or the other_, _and had decidedly never _done_ anything to make another demon blush. Perhaps he was just defective? Wouldn't be the first time.

"Ach! Shut up," he snipped half-heartedly, keeping his face turned away from the angel. But Aziraphale was relentless, leaning across to press a gentle kiss to his heated cheek. And as the Guardian of the Eastern Gate truly was without mercy, could one poor defenseless serpent really be helped if he leaned into the touch, ultimately shifting to claim said guardian's lips in a proper kiss?

_I love you,_ the words sang inside of him, trapped in his throat like always. _I could spend a thousand years just telling you how I love you and it still wouldn't be enough._

It was never enough with Aziraphale. Never would be. And because he could barely say any of that to him, he had to give him each word with touch – each brush of skin a whisper, each clasp of hands a prayer, and every kiss a thousand vows, promises and declarations he hadn't dared to give voice to throughout their long association. And now, well...it was difficult to break a habit of millennia, so he didn't try.

But Zira seemed to take exception to the fact that the adoration in the room was not presently being focused on her, so she let out a loud squeal, demanding her parents' attention.

"Ah, here now. What's wrong, blossom?" Crowley asked her as he pulled away from the angel. "Want your Tipsy? Is that it?"

Going over to the overnight bag beside the cradle, he retrieved a very striking stuffed dog. The little toy was all black and was the very favorite playmate of both twins. It had been a gift from the Them six months back, which they'd admitted Anathema had helped them to make so, more accurately, it could be said to be a gift from her. Either way, the Tadfield gang had collectively named the little thing Lady Cat Jelly Baby Tips-a-lot the Fourth.

It was the concerted opinion of the angel and demon that it was a name the stuffed toy could never hope to grow into, so she was called Tipsy for short. Though Crowley was often tempted to ponder the fate of the first _three_ Lady Cat Jelly Baby Tips-a-lots, he would invariably come to the conclusion that he was happier not knowing, especially given some of the odder tendencies of the Fourth of her Name. The eyes for one. When you were looking at her directly, Tipsy had glittering black plastic eyes, as alive as a toy could come to being, but still a _toy_, just the same. If you caught sight of her just out of the corner of your own eye, though, those same eyes seemed to glow red with Hellfire.

Both twins adored her.

"I just _don't understand,_" Aziraphale would often fuss, asking him, "Is it alive or not? I legitimately can't tell."

"Don't think so," Crowley would always respond, examining the stuffed dog yet again, nothing to be gleaned from direct study like always. "Might have to ask Adam about it at some point."

"Gih, gih, gih," Zira cooed with a drooly smile as Crowley passed Tipsy to her, her arms only just fitting around the dog as she latched onto her. Jay was already mostly asleep, mouth opening in a yawn much wider than one would've thought any normal child could manage.

_Heh, normal. Cute, Crowley._

"She'll sleep soon," Aziraphale said softly, leaning across to drop another kiss on his cheek. "You'll keep watch...while I-?"

"Right. Go ahead, Angel," he said with a nod as he took up his position next to the cradle, leaning casually against the wall, though the mind that raced beneath his typical calm exterior was anything _but_ casual. "Only way anything's getting in this room is over my dead body."

Aziraphale's expression fell at that, and he reached across the cradle to cup Crowley's cheek in his hand. "I do wish you wouldn't say things like that. It's no joke."

Crowley tried to shrug it off but, again, he couldn't wholly keep himself from leaning into the touch_. _"No. It's not," he said as he looked into the angel's eyes. Then he turned his head to the side and kissed Aziraphale's palm, breathing in the scent of him. "But it is what it is. We'll be waiting for you when you get back."

"Right. I'll be just outside. Call me if anything happens," the angel said before stepping out of the room.

The rule was that they tried not to discuss any of it in front of the twins, even though they were still so young. Unable as they were to glean the full scope of their powers, there was no knowing how much the two babies could and couldn't understand. So they protected them, pretending everything was normal while they were awake. The little family was always ready to flee at a moment's notice. Zira and Jay hardly noticed the fact that they didn't typically have bedtime at Crowley's flat. It was just a place they visited every so often. But from the first sign of trouble at the bookshop, Crowley and Aziraphale had grabbed everything they could carry and _run._

Anathema had made several suggestions as to things they could do to protect the twins from Heavenly and Infernal notice, but there was nothing that could be done that wouldn't bar one or the other parent from safe contact with their children. So they had to rely on their usual tricks. It was what Aziraphale was up to now, weaving subtle, not-so-miraculous changes in the nature of reality around the flat to prevent notice.

He hadn't been gone long when Zira began to fuss, still not quite asleep.

"Shh," Crowley soothed, reaching down into the cradle to stroke her hair. Then he began to sing for them.

It wasn't quite the same as what he'd done for Warlock. There was no attempt at influence here. He was actually much better with music than he tended to let on. It was a gift he preferred to share only with his family.

_Close your eyes_

_I know what you see_

_The darkness is high_

_And you're in ten feet deep_

_But we've survived more terrible monsters than sleep_

_And you know I will be here to tell you to breathe_

_Tu sei il mio soldatino_

_La ragione per cui vivo_

_Non ti scordar di me_

_Io vegliero su di te_

By the time he finished the song, Zira was fast asleep, Tipsy held securely in her arms. With a small smile, he dropped a kiss first on her head, then on Jay's.

Nothing was going to harm them while he was here. _Nothing._

He couldn't say how long he stood guard over the cradle before he felt Aziraphale's arms slipping around him, but even to his own odd sense of time, it _felt_ long. Relaxing immediately into the embrace, he wrapped his own arms around his angel as they watched their children sleep.

"No sign of any-"

"Nothing," Aziraphale returned. "It seems we've managed to give them the slip yet again."

"Heh, small miracles," the demon said with a small, bitter laugh.

"You should rest, dear," the angel told him. "I know you're tired."

He was right about that. Despite not truly _needing_ to sleep, the demon was exhausted. Still, he did protest a _little_.

"Mm, but if _I_ sleep, I won't be able to watch _them_ sleep," he whined plaintively, though he already knew he would give in.

"Be that as it may, would you prefer to be so drained the _next_ time we need to make a quick getaway?" Aziraphale pointed out, defeating his last strands of resistance. "Come. Come to bed. Sleep. I'll be watching over all of you."

Crowley didn't fight him as Aziraphale led him to the bed, guiding him gently onto the sheets. The angel settled himself against the headboard while the demon cuddled up close against him, head resting in his lap. After a time, they were so tangled up in each other, it became hard to tell where one began and the other ended.

"Don't let me- sleep too long, yeah?" he attempted to negotiate, still fighting sleep in any way he could. It almost felt like giving up in a way.

"You will sleep as long as you need to, dearest," the angel told him, leaning down to kiss his ear.

"You gonna be here when I wake up?" he found himself asking, mind already more than half gone with his exhaustion.

"Of course, my love," Aziraphale reassured him on a whisper. "We will all be here."

"Mmhat's good," he mumbled. "Wouldn't want to miss a second of...Zira's Neo Reign of Terror."

"Certainly not, but you must sleep first if you are to wake to it."

"Mmyou can't- tell me what to do, angel."

"I would never."

"...love you."

"And I love you, Crowley. I love all three of you."

Crowley tried to respond, but he couldn't get his mind and mouth in proper order. The last thing he was aware of was lying safely cradled in Aziraphale's arms, eyes fixed on the cradle where their children slept until they weren't fixed on anything.

XxX

(A/N) Wow. That, uh...that pretty thoroughly got away from me. It started off nice and fluffy and then transformed into...that. Though I don't know why that surprises me. It happens every time. Only once or twice in my fic-writing career have I managed to write straight fluff. I could see my way to expanding this verse but, well...with so much else going on, that'll depend on the level of interest. Only other thing I have is a translation for the second half of Crowley's little lullaby.

You're my little soldier

The reason I live

Don't forget me

I'm watching over you

The song is called 'Soldatino', and if you've never heard it before, I would absolutely recommend giving it a listen. Seems very fitting for Good Omens in my view.


End file.
